ANGRY

 

In the second grade, my biological father walked out on our family.  This was hard.  I remember feeling powerless and angry that my Mom was left alone, raising and providing for us 3 kids.  I remember living in silent anger.  I was a church kid, and the church people I knew didn’t show anger, so I stuffed it down; I didn’t know what else to do.  But anger is a lot like trying to hide something from my Mom; it always comes back up to the surface.

I’m guessing I was in the third grade; one day, a kid walked by me, and I decided I didn’t like his face.  I told him, “You and I have a problem,” I said as I poked him in the chest, “and one day we’ll have to resolve it.” My silent anger was finally acting out.

The next day, the kid took me up on my “handling it” offer by handling me.  I asked for trouble and found it.  I got clobbered that day.  Lesson learned.  

Just because things weren’t going well for me, it didn’t give me permission to take it out on others.  I didn’t know what to do with anger.  I had never seen it modeled. How to manage anger.  Or how do Christians manage anger?  

During the time my biological father lived with us, he was an angry man. I lived in fear.  The lesson I learned was that anger was bad; nobody said it, but I inferred it from my childhood experience.  So if anger is wrong, how do I deal with it?  Do I pretend it's not a factor for me?  Ignore it?

Following my stroke, I’ve struggled with anger.  I’m angry with myself.  My father left my mom alone to raise the kids and provide for the household.  And in a way, I’ve left Sarah to run our household while caring for me, a grown man, by herself.  

I feel constantly on the verge of losing control of my anger.  I find myself slowing down my breathing because I’m on the verge of losing my cool. “Israel, pause here and take a deep breath.”  I want to yell, destroy stuff, and cuss a lot.

 

This is not normal for me; apart from calling out a face I didn’t like in the third grade, I’ve never been known for acting out in anger. 

I’ve written blogs on different subjects, many published, some not.  But one thing I can’t seem to admit is I’m angry with God, that’s my big secret.  

This is so complicated.  I need Him, yet I’m angry with Him.  It's a complicated posture with God:  simultaneously trying to pull Him close and poking Him in the chest.  It sounds so sinful when I say it.  But there it is.  I’m hurt with God.

As I often write, I was a church kid growing up.  The church kid in me doesn’t know what to do with being angry with God.  I feel guilty constantly.  

I grew up in Spanish Pentecostal churches.  Fire and brimstone kind of preaching, “good preaching” was the kind that made you feel like a guilty sinner as you left church.  The more wretched you felt, the better the preacher did.  

At my angriest, I Googled anger with God, searching for answers.  Was this normal?  I came across something that pointed out that I’m an insignificant creation of God; what right does the finite have in questioning the Infinite?  This reminded me of the shame I felt as a church kid.  This got me angrier.  

In my next prayer session, I told God, “Perhaps I’m insignificant.  But this life matters to me.  It's the only one I have.  I’m significant to me.”  Honestly, I couldn’t receive this “I’m insignificant” lesson.  

More studies have revealed other Bible characters who dealt with anger toward God:

David wrote, “How long, Lord? Will You hide Yourself forever? Will Your anger keep burning like fire?” (Psalm 89:46). 

The Prophet Habakkuk cried out, “How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, ‘Violence!‘ but you do not save?” (Habakkuk 1:2). 

Moses, as he was leading a group of complaining people to their homeland, said to God, “Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you…?” (Numbers 11:11).

I found comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone.  David, one of my bible heroes, whom the Bible calls a man after God’s own heart, dealt with anger toward God.

Looking back, I think after all the confusion following my stroke, the devil convinced me to view God as my problem instead of my solution.

It's been a complicated journey back to peace with God. And one I’m still working through.